friendship? does it even exist?

imagine you are in a city with no people around. crazy right? and now imagine you have free access to food,clothes and every sort of things which you need for entertainment in that isolated place. exciting right? now as you live in that place alone and with mo such people to talk to. how would you feel? I’ll tell you. first few day you will be happy as fuck. but as days will pass by you will start to feel lonely and devastated coz there will be no one around to talk or even give you company. sad right? its much worse.

now let me tell you my story. I grew up making a lot of friends. some were really helpful and some were like best buddies. I was always the happy guy in the group who would make fun of others tell jokes and live the best moment. i always used to motivate others and were there for them even in their hard times. I was an alcoholic and drug addict. well i got influenced. Back at that time i used to think its so cool to have these things. so my friends always made plans to booze or go out for party and stuffs and they always wanted me to go for i was their bestest friend. sometimes they would even cancel the whole plan just bcoz i refused to go. there was also a girl and a guy who was my bestest friend among all. i dont want to mention their real name so let the guy be papai and girl be moni. i know its a wierd name but it is what it is. so with them i used to spend a good amount of time. they became a family to me. Little did i know they were the most selfish person ever. As i was Financially weak they supported me a lot. they used to take me out to dinner, buy me stuffs and i didnt mind as i always said to repay all these when i get job. papai often called me to his home to booze. one day papi had a girl friend who was also close to me. things started to change and i didnt mind though. slowly i lost contact with him for kike 2 months. Then one day i heard papai had a break up. when i asked the reason she said he was a sex addict and her relation was abusive. i even got to know he said a lot of dirty stuffs about me like “sayon is my personal slave. whatever i say he does that. ” am i a slave? friendship didnt mean anything? he even said that i always had intention for money than him? i kept friendship only for money. i was devastated. i never contacted him and neither he did. like i was the one who took care of him when he was wasted while drinking. i saved him from every possible situation. now this is what i hear. also moni was kinda same. she considered me best friend but i git to see her real face when she never contacted me or even faced me for reason i dont know. i asked her but akk she gave was attitude. she even gave a birthday party for all her friends but didnt invite me. i still remember i was the one who made cake for her birthday and she didnt even invite me neither she met me on that day instead of knowing that i did so much for her. and when i kept on requesting she started yelling. i felt so bad and heartbroken. and i started making distance from everybody. i lost alk my friend and the funniest part no one even noticed that i was broken and stopped talking to them. they simply keot me in their group as a clown who made other laugh. I was. clown for them. They used me and when the purpose is over they refused to take me back. i just wanted to share this thatswhy written it.

after that i also lost my childhood friend. lets call her neha. she also refused to contact and ignored me like hell. her ignorance broke me. i stopped talking to anyone and was afraid to make friends even trust anyone. though i had a friend name Akash who was really made me understood that no ones real and gave me motivation but what he failed to understand that i was in depression and not just mood offs. though i am still friends with him. though we talk rarely. also there is one friend name Aluni. he was there with me and also understand me and my condition. more like a brother. am blessed to have him in my life. but am afraid to loose him too. i am never good to make friends or to talk bout life with them. so lot of things i too hide from them just because i dint want to explain them.i hate explaining myskef and my feelings. i am onky comfortable with my love. in next blog i will talk about my love. but for now these are the people who made to stop believing in people. except akash and aluni. they are my good friends but we hardly talk so probably they dont know what am going through. btw dont confuse with these cases and my depression. these are one if the reason for my depression. there are many more reasons for my anxiety and mental stress. which i am for niw nit comfortable in sharing. i will soon share but just not now. well this was it. my life without friends. well tbh am happy to be alone. maybe many wont but i am. cause you dont get to see drama and stuffs. just and your loneky self. having convo over a cup full of tea and some music. well i need to make friend. well thats what my phycologist says and i hate her. ya finally few days back i visited a phycologist and trust me it was really a boring session. maybe because i hate talking. i prefer talking to my own self and writing out my anger. i hope everything comes back to normal♥

i know its very boring and lengthy. but it helped me a lill bit. writing really help. if you are also suffering you must try out. and let me know in the comment section how you feel so that i also get motivated to write more and more.

thank you.

sayon roy

family. its complicated!!

i love my mom and dad. Why wouldnt i? they provided everything and didnt left any chance to make me happy. but the only problem is they fail to understand me. according to most Indian parents, mental anxiety and health problems is a myth. i remember once i confessed them about my condition and they said ” it will pass. dont they about it” is it that easy? no i guess. often i want to be close with my dad but ends up dissapointed. he is a legal advisor by profession and once i asked about his one case which i was interested with. he was so impatient he started moking at me saying i dont understand anything. i felt am so worthless. i then quickly hid my tears and ran to my room and cried. am i that useless? am i good for nothing? they love me very much but sometimes i feel am not enough for them or i am a disappointment for them. and thats when my panic attack begins. many nights i have this dream that they are dying and i havent fulfilled their wish or failed to make them happy. i couldn’t breath that time when i have this thoughts. i constantly cry but that doesnt help. i wish they understand me a little. i wish for once they just pat on my back and say son we are there with you. i feel numb now. emotionless now. even i stopped crying a lot now. i feel like am nothing and they aren’t proud. they love me enough but fails to understand. and thats when you are fucked up.

now i think all these doesnt mean much as i have learned to hide tears. but still haven’t learned to be happy. maybe i will never be happy. depression is a curse to human life only of you learn to live with it…. or maybe not!!!

love you Mom and Dad ♥

nightmares

i am a company secretary student. sorry but i didn’t have any choice. i wanted to pursue this just for the sake of my family because i want to make them happy and according to most people in our society “if i pursue a good career option, my future will be saved.” i want to simply ask one question. is it? is it not fair to let one person choose what they wanna be regardless of all the odds? so i also didn’t have any options and thought i would be able to cope up but A BIG NOO. wasnt surprised though. life became more miserable. i started getting less sleep and when i finally get i oversleep. tension lead to, fear lead to anxiety and finally you stop feeling you. and thats when i completely stopped socialising. people do scares me. now i feel my life is invaded and i cant simply do nothing but wait till there is an end to it. i often hear people say “go with the flow” i guess that doesn’t work for me

if i go with the flow i would be dead already. but the funniest part is i wanna live and want to see the end of it. i consider death is that ultimate stage when nothing really feels right and an escape from life may help. but i cant escape. i cant simply throw away my life. maybe thats what i say my mind everytime i have these thoughts.

getting help is expensive

ain’t trying to get any sympathy but my life may be ordinary and problems are different. i suffer from anxiety depression, GAD and social anxiety disorder. you know what’s the worst scenario while facing all these? people don’t understand your thoughts or your conditions. often people would laugh and normalize the issue. so thought to consult a physicist. but coming from a poor family i just couldn’t afford an appointment coz simple 1000 rs maybe small amount for anyoneelse but for me its huge. so decided to drop the plan. and then you know what’s the worst part in it. i now have to suffer it hiding it from everyone and suffering alone. and then one day i came across this site and decided to share my experience with people that what goes through a mind when people suffer such problems and health issues. i don’t know is anyone gonna read my blog or not. bye am happy to share it or even write it up. thank you.